I talked to a few recruiters today and went to a startup event today. I am starting to consider the enterprise software company again.
I still feel scared that I will lose my job at the Fed. It will be unfortunate. But at least I can focus on Mendel's paint company for a bit
Also I talked to sales force about being a remote development consultant for clients. Heck that could be my other calling.
I think companies are like girls. There are a lot of great ones I would love to be with but it hurts when I have to pass one up. Ornela, Lera, Tati, Miriam. I could've had a happy life with any of them. But my goals and life just don't quite add up to it.
I regret I have to give up girls for my career. I am sacrificing happiness now for more happiness later. But will I ever look back at these days and wish I fell in love with a girl instead of a company? Would I have wished that I replaced those 15 hour days with a girl by my side instead of a keyboard under my fingers. All that politics and drama, could've been with a girl instead of some 50 year old office administrator who hates her job, and probably her life and is waiting for her pension to kick in.
I'm jealous of Mendel. He doesn't have a goal but he enjoys his life to the fullest. He has time. He has energy. He takes care of his body and his mind. But I don't know if I would want that if it means sacrificing my visions, my goals. I want more than anything to make a mark on the world. So is it wrong to feel jealous? Well, yes. Yes it is. I need to work on it. Jealousy is not productive. It only leads to bad things. It leads to nothing good. It's as stupid and misleading of an emotion as the fear I feel when jumping into a lake from a cliff. It's not real. And Mendel is my best friend who's always been there for me. He will probably get Miriam, at least for the short term. And I need to accept it. I shouldn't be jealous or compete over a girl I don't have the time or energy for. I just need to get her as a mate out of my head. She could be a great friend, honest, upfront, unlike Ornella. At least for the time being.
Also I talked to Kayne, Tati's new boyfriend. He yelled for 2-3 minutes about how I have no personality and all I talk about is business. I just stayed quiet and listened. Then he calmed down and asked me what my question was. I asked when Tati will pick up her stuff. He answered calmly Wed-Thur.
Then a few hours later he texted me to apologize. He doesn't seem too bad. Maybe tati is in good hands. And hey listening instead of defending worked. I need to do it more.