Lesson of the day: People have in-concrete thoughts running through their head. Sometimes they just want to be listened to to feel they're not crazy.
Realization: I am insecure about being deserted.
Today I had a lot of thoughts running through my head, trying to figure out why I was feeling so shitty. Why my throughs kept going back to Miriam and our past relationship. I felt a lot of emotions towards her which I just couldn't quite come to terms with.
I knew in my head now was not the right time to have a relationship with her. I knew it she knew it. But yet I want her so much, sexually, emotionally. Well more emotionally even. It's not that I am incredibly attracted to her physically. I would say about the same amount as I was with Tati. The sex wasn't incredible. It was good. But something about her just makes feel a strong emotion of want.
I only remember this feeling from the time Ornela left me. This was after I decided to check myself into Bellview because of all the stress going on in my life.
Wait maybe that's it. I don't feel overly attracted to her or love her or anything like that. I feel abandoned. Like I did with Ornela. She wasn't particularly hot. I didn't love her. I just felt we shared a lot of qualities, had a lot of run times, and then she abandoned me. Just left my life. Like Miriam when she me she saw me as secure and on the right track in life. As soon as things started falling apart she left. Even though I was taking care of it.
I'm afraid of abandonment. Im afraid people will leave me when times get hard. This is the exact same way Miriam feels. She expressed that is her biggest insecurity. I think it's mine too.
The question is will she abandon me like Ornela? Without talking to me. Just leaving my life? I don't think so.
But more importantly how can I fight this insecurity...How can I make sure I don't feel this way in the future.